I found out that Joanna of Animal Style used her Free Agent Lady Pool magic to play for After Party last night in their game against Sky Life. And I was hoping for the epic joint Joanna/Stephanie recap. (That they teased me with last week when After Party played Animal Style.) But alas, Stephanie was in Colorado. So I shall continue to wait.
Here’s Joanna, with her own individual epicness:
The party is waning and there are only two crews nursing their drinks on opposite sides of the room — The Sky Life Crew and the After Party Crew — who have been waiting all night for the best moment to spar. NATE — leader of the After Party Crew, wonders aloud to the dying crowd.
NATE: This party was raging just a bit ago… has everyone Irish exited? I haven’t gotten any hostess presents for entertaining yet, but there are significantly less people here than earlier. We were the hottest party in town just a few weeks ago.
CLINT: (sucking in air between his teeth) Yeah man, about that. I gotta go too, but I’ll stick around long enough to help clean up some, cool?
TIDAL: Me too, dude. I’m shipping out in the morning, but I’m good to stick around here a bit longer.
Just then, JOANNA, ZOE, and KCHU walk through the door in their sparkling dresses, coiffed hair and dazzling personalities. TIM — leader of the Sky Life Crew approaches Nate.
TIM: (to Nate) Who are they?!
NATE: I don’t know, man, but I call dibs.
TIM: Woah woah woah. Bro. Share the wealth. They look like excellent conversationalists and I could use a good discussion on Thoreau, tonight.
NATE: Bro. My girl is off skiing in Colorado without me and she has the best topics of discussion. She’ll never let me hear the end of it if I throw a lame party. So cut me a break.
TIM: Fine, since we’ve got about an equal number of intelligent women in our respective corners of this party, how’s about we each get one to delve into a really serious topic and the third one we’ll keep it a little lighter with so we can both hear her stories. Cool?
NATE: Yeah, man. Cool. Mind if I take the one my crew seems to know as Joanna? She seems like a girl who knows all about Anthropology, which we are all about over here right now.
TIM: Definitely, man. Then I’m going to strike up a convo with that brainy one I’ve talked to once or twice before, KChu. I love me some food science and she’s just the girl to satiate that thirst. And I think that’s Zoe. I hear she’s so smart that most of what she knows is even over my head.
NATE: No, man. You got that whole CalTech thing going for you.
TIM: It’s cool man. I’m secure with myself. But let’s keep it light with her so we can both enjoy all that she brings to the table.
NATE: Sweet. You talk to her first and I’ll be over here with Joanna and my crew. We’ve got the whole night still, baby!!
They fist bump and return to their corners of the party to plan their rap battle numbers. Because what’s a party without a rap battle?
CASTRO from After Party takes center stage first.
CASTRO: Yo, your throws are tight, your plays are alright.
But what we got, you ain’t never seen before.
We gonna run this mother all night,
Then run your face right into the floor.
I got the speed, binoculars you’ll need,
When you see me at the other end for a score.
I got my boy Sam, We from a far away land,
You might know it as NoHo.
You ain’t got a clue, we be passing, running right by you,
Moving like yous in slow mo!
Nate’s crew CHEERS on Castro, while Tim’s is unimpressed. ETHAN from Sky Life steps up to defend his side.
ETHAN: You call that fast?
I’ll show you fast because all you’ll be seeing from now on is my ass.
My team’s got skills, something you wouldn’t know.
I’ve seen your pickup in your precious No-talent-Ho.
You can try to cover us, but you won’t succeed.
All that tripping is bound to make ya bleed.
Your men on the line just ain’t no match,
Tor all of our quick throws that we catch.
Just give up, son, you’re looking light.
Why’d you bring a chihuahua to this dog fight?
Tim’s crew is hyped. Nate’s is unconcerned. They all turn to the few remaining stragglers at the party who haven’t picked a side for their take on round one. JUDGE 1 holds up a sign for Castro that reads 8 and JUDGE 2 holds up a sign for Ethan that reads 4.
CHEERS and BOOS erupt from the two crews. Tim and Nate calm their groups and regroup for the next round. Tim gets serious with his side in a huddle. Tidal starts dropping hints about the fireball sitting over on the bar.
NATE: Hey, where is that lady Zoe who came in a bit ago? I think we could use her smarts for this next round.
The group calls over to Tim for their turn for some fascinating word play.
JIM: She snuck out a little bit ago. She got tempted by the DC nerds at the party next door.
ARMAND: Damn. Really? The only worthwhile DC movie recently has been Lego Batman, does she realize that? Anyway, I think we could switch it up some in this next round. Let’s utilize our ladies’ intellect here. You onboard?
DIESEL, TIDAL, SAM, and JOANNA all nod in agreement.
NATE: Alright, let’s get out there. They’re up first this round.
SAM: Tidal, if we win this, I’ll take a shot of fireball with you.
TIDAL: (a little too excited) Deal!
DANNY from Sky Life steps up to battle and lays it down. The whole time staring straight into ROBIN’S eyes.
DANNY: You know they call me ‘lil but I’m bigger than you.
I’m gonna put it long then bust it deep too.
I’m not afraid to play all up on ya,
Maybe you heard I ran a marathon, duh!
I got my crew, and we got serious game.
You bringing fireball, we sipping on champagne!
We’ll break your zone right over your heads.
Then sneak a few points in to yo mamas’ beds! … Last night.
Yeah. Get it? I just said yo moms!
JOSH: (grabbing Danny by the shoulders). Ok dude. They got it.
DANNY: Yeah! Yo mom jokes! I’m bringing those back ya’ll.
JOSH: They get it. Just let it go, man.
The ladies of Nate’s crew step up to the middle for a four-parter.
JOANNA: I’m new here but I’ll give this a whirl.
That beer you sipping on is really just St. Pauly’s Girl.
Too weak to handle the blows we be throwing.
Break me again and… I’ll probably be really jealous. Guys I miss Mimosa Sunday. Is it beach league yet? I like this team tonight and all. They are really fun, but it’s just been so long…
TIDAL: Step aside girl and let the professionals handle this.
You think we didn’t notice but that catch was a straight up miss.
We’ll put it long. The sidelines will clap.
Whatever you’re throwing won’t even make it in the recap.
SAM: We know how to party.
Sipping from our cup.
We’re so fast you won’t even know the disc is up.
You can send two guys to cover Robin, but he’ll just dive to pull it on in.
DIESEL: Let’s wrap this thing up. I don’t got all night.
You’re looking tired, we’re just getting started alright?
We’re gonna take this point and then one more.
After all this we better see you AT. THE. BAR!
The room erupts into CHEERS as Diesel drops the mic. JUDGE 1 and JUDGE 2 write down their scores. Judge 1 gives Nate’s crew a 7 and Judge 2 writes something that looks like either a 2 or maybe a 4 so we split the difference at 3 — but either way it’s clear that Nate’s crew has won. Tim’s crew mumbles a little in defeat, but are good sports and accompany everyone over to the bar where all the Fireball in the place is downed after the bartender offers up 3 shots for $5.
[Final score 15-7].
Wow. I feel like I was there. This is pretty spot on, except I don’t know if Tim and Nate would actually fist bump. But everything else I’m sure happened exactly the way she said it did.
How long does it take to write these? I’m impressed.
Sky Life has something to say as well. Here’s Chris Walthers:
Dear evil diary,
Year 3, game 7. Now I am become death, the destroyer of LAOUT teams. I have bedded with sin, dry-humped with evil, hand-jibbered with ruination. Tonight, the fruit of my sweltering, humid loins brought the end of Sky Life. Along with the sultry, sweet collective crotches of After Party, of course.
Both teams were short on women harrowed by illness and longing for the greener pastures they left at Kaimana, Sky Life called on our frenemy KChu to bolster weakened lines. Sky Life struggled to match After Party’s athletes on both sides of the game – Robin in particular made several incredible catches off of deep cuts to either score or set up the offense on the goal line. Nate and his incredible sweet ass in turn made a few key defensive plays. The After Party ladies held their own despite playing mostly savage all night.
The breaking point tonight was Sky Life’s offensive struggles. Since every defensive player on After Party was a good athlete, Sky Life cuts were often unconfident and returned prematurely to the stack. When Sky Life’s offense was working, goal line pressure and hard defense led to brash throws and unnecessary mistakes. Sky life seemed unable to figure out who was supposed to be cutting and to what space. Despite my carefully drawn plans to foster this type of confusion, much credit is due to After Party who were called on to be in exactly the right position making exactly the right defensive play and with aggression and speed.
After Party took half at 8-3 or 4, but there was a feeling among Sky Life that the game was not out of reach. The second half was a similar story. After Party eventually threw out a zone defense and Sky Life vacillated between a tunnel vision on the dump-swing and ill-advised down-field throws. Again, it was a tough game. Sky Life went on a short run towards the end, but After Party held them off with a final score of 15-6. “Good on Sky Life for keeping their heads in the game despite going down early!” is what I would say if I cared about things like that. Which I don’t!
With so many key players lost this year – Jake and Lauren, John, Keith and his sore wiener or something – this would be a hard year for many teams. Sky Life has hung in some close games and played really solid, whole team ultimate. Honestly, oh evil diary of mine, if it weren’t for that one ring to rule them all I found back in Mordor I would say I even have a soft spot for this team. I kind of want to go bowling with them. Maybe it’s just all those french fries from Joxer getting me all sentimental. Or that dreamy Ethan. Our last game of the regular season will be against Ninja Squirtles, which surely will destroy any silly frivolous emotion type things. Which I HATE!
Keith has a sore weiner? I’m not even sure how to react to that. I was in the hot tub at the Sky Life gathering in Big Bear and heard about at least one or two of Keith’s hookups, so now I have my suspicions who is the culprit for such an ailment.
It was probably that dreamy Ethan.
|February 22, 2017||12:00 am||Winter League||2017|
|Rancho Cienega Recreation Center|