Animal Style vs TarmacFeb 27th, 2017 | By AndyBandit | Category:
The final week of the season. Just a little juggling left for seeding but you already know roughly where your team is gonna fall. Let’s get to last night’s recap from Animal Style’s Joanna Whitney:
It’s common knowledge that sequels are always better than the original. Grease 2? Genius. Star Wars Ep 1? JarJar was obviously exactly what the series needed. And I know you all can’t wait for Avatars 2-4.
Last night was our chance at creating our own breathtaking sequel against Tarmac. It had all the makings of something great. In the original it was a heated battle that came down to the wire that left the heroes of the story battered and bruised. But like any good cliff hanger, the enemies need to have the upper hand just when it looks like the heroes have no chance.
This brings us to part 2, when we find our heroes regrouping to fight back. It feels as if it’s only been a minute, but in fact our heroes have been licking their wounds for nearly three weeks. Long enough to let their training and former master’s voice consume their entire beings. They have been holed up in a cliff side cave fasting and drinking only rain water seeping in down a stalactite. They are lean, they are focused, they are hungry animals! They emerge from the cave into the sunlight that they hadn’t seen in days. The rays empower them more as they go in search of the ones who had so narrowly defeated them in front of their loved ones before whisking them off as their own. Nothing is going to stop them now.
Since our sequel is a straight to tv movie we get right to the battle after the commercial. The network executives have made quite few cuts for time.
Our heroes approach the vast open field in front of them. As they peer across the land they see a formidable army of pink stand at attention on the other end. They don their garbs with honor. They do not fear their neon pink banners being seen. In fact, they want to be seen. They want to mock Animal Style with their strength because they’ve beaten them once. They will do it again in an even bigger blaze of glory to finally put these fools in their place.
As the sun reaches high noon, Animal Style descends down the mountain Running and screaming with revenge! They are looking bright eyed and stronger than ever. They’ve finally been using their unemployment to hit up the gym and get noticed by People magazine. Tarmac laughs at this show of force and sends 2 catapults into Animal’s camp. Their master’s voice can be heard in their ears. “Just the right amount of pickles”. It’s a metaphor that only their hungry minds can eat up.
The newest recruit pledges to stand up and strike the first blows. He is eager and ready to prove he is truly one with The Style. Snacks runs straight through the army line with bullets bouncing off his chest covered in a self-designed metal he had invented for just such occasions. He strikes two heavy blows before the enemies can converge. Meanwhile, the fairy warrior named Nay who’s strongest ability is her invisibility sends up a magical beam halfway across the battlegrounds where Snatch hovering above in his steampunk helicopter reflects it down with a giant mirror onto the enemies, setting the field ablaze.
With the fire raging and smoke filling the battlefield the catapults stop finding targets. The smoke burns everyone’s eyes and the only resolve is to bring the battle in to hand to hand range. Joanna “the Time Keeper” approaches her nemesis Ringo and dares her to make the first move. This brazen show of intimidation stuns Ringo long enough for Joanna to announce she is out of time before whipping out her weapons on the army behind Ringo, leaving only a small tear on her armor as a warning. Across the field, Cedar “the Wise” throws himself in front of a possibly deadly blow to one of his fellow fighters allowing B Sauce and Julie to both jump over Cedar and strike a blow right into the archer’s front line.
After the first two blows, Tarmac has been struggling to load their cannons, but their speedy powder tamper Johnny finishes his ahead of his fellow soldiers and sends a long shot right into the middle of Animal’s territory.
Animal’s Snacks and Reed send up an arrow from their own contraption to hit one more time. The others start to stampede towards Tarmac when we see that their front line is full of cannons poised and ready to go. The looks on Animal’s faces say it all. They weren’t prepared for this.
Commercial break to try and sell you a set of 8 pills to feed all your animals when going on vacation. 4 of which you can feed them right before heading out onto the tarmac to ensure a happy and safe trip.
And we are back. Animal’s faces are in shock. Canon one goes off. Boom! Strikes one Animal down. The next backfires, taking out a Tarmac soldier. The next three canons go off in succession followed by the roar of Tarmac’s largest and hairiest soldier. Animal is wounded, and they are wary of the very loud noises coming from the back of the opposing army. His yells are deafening, but as Animal wraps their arms together and march forward in a show of force, their army cannot be stopped. They soon learn that the large soldier is nothing more than a kitten in front of an auto tuner hooked up to a phonograph machine for projection as an intimidation measure. This gives them strength to keep marching as the bullets ricochet off of them. 1 step, 2 steps, 3 steps. But just as they seem unstoppable, the beloved character Dan “the Organizer” falls to his knees. A bullet had found its way between the slightest of cracks in his armor. He yells out for his army to go on without him. He blames it on getting the newest trend in armor, but that he believes in their mission. As he lays on the ground, Animal’s army allows themselves to take one more blow while helping him up. “Where we go, you go.”
With Dan resting on the shoulders of his comrades, Tim, Reed, and Snatch lead the flying v as Animal takes down their enemies with 3 final blows, only taking 8 hits overall. Animal is victorious and their mission is complete. Once again proving that sequels are always better than the original.
The biggest game for me in all of this is trying to figure out what the final score and halftime score was from some of these recaps. It’s not always easy to figure out.
I feel like Joanna really wants to write a novel but she just doesn’t have the story yet, so this is all dry-running for that.
|February 27, 2017||8:00 pm||Winter League||2017|
|Culver City High School|