I sort of learned about the Kumbha/Klepto Hermes thing, finally. Someone leaked it to me. But…. although I got an explanation it wasn’t 100% clear, and I still need to meet them at the bar to hear the full story.
Speaking of leaks, can someone who knows someone at the Bachelor in Paradise production PLEASE leak the Corinne/DeMario footage?!?! Erin sucked me into this stupid show, and now I have to see the footage that almost cancelled the entire series.
For you non-BIP folk, here’s the STORY.
Okay, and now to the much more important Crunchcap:
Ahem WELCOME BACK TO THE CRUNCH WRAP
WARNING, IM VERY DRUNK RN
CUX ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AT 11:12AM BUT ITS 12 IN THE MORNING BUT LIKE ITS FINE
TOO MUCH WORK TO TAKE OUT OF CAPS
HIGHLIGHTS AKA THE SAVAGE REPORT
STECE RAN INTO A BAG OF SHIT ON THE SIDELINE @MATT BURKES SHIT
WE THOUGT HE DIED
IM GONNA TAKE THIS OUT OF CAPS
So he nearly died, jk lol but @ the girl next to the sack of shit
Tat had a run thru d,,,she told me to write that
It wasn’t actually that cool, but pretty important
We were down 3 breaks so I was like YO WE DONE CHROHOMEZ
But OHHHHHH SHITTT WE FUCKING BROUGHT IT BACK AND WRECKED THESE HERMS
@darren dude for being kinda salty and chippy but LUG which means love and no hard feelings u r cool anyways
im in a car rn
coming home from joxers
they bought me too many drinks
got like 3 shirley temples lol @ 10 year olds and then likes 3 other drinks
cheers to 19 amiright!>
BACK TO THE HIGHLIGHTS
JEAN WAS ROASTING EVERYONE UPLINE, THAT’S KLEPTO BTW
Then she was like oh im injured but came back on and was like ahh fuck u deep
Tat is looking for directions rn
Dusty was great, love that dude
Steve another fine lookin deep cutter
Steve is good looking so any straight women should probs hop on that @walle
That’s right called out hip pop
If u don’t know what im talking about at this point then u r nrmal and it is okay
Back to the frizz
ERIC MUTHERFUCKIN SIEGL WAS FANGIRLING OVER THE JULIA KUMBHA JOHNSON
He was askin hella questions and like in awe
“can I get a selfie” –eric
leah = good under cuts
tattoo did not perform as usual, did not see the DEEP MONSTER CUTS THAT I AM USED TO SEEING @ WEAKNESS
also fei dans gf told me she likes these caps LOLOLOL im popular
ftr Julia made me get a long island iced tea after 2 other drinks so I blame this one on her
as for the powers, green used the stall thingy and fucking ate shit…we scored losers jk lug so much
we used the running thing and it was very chippy so whatever but I mean cool cool for running
glad I wasn’t on that point
oh dusty made a sick play
I have some wheat thins at home to eat
Anywho back to dusty
He went deep, bobbled that disc and like totally blew it but then LAID OUT OH SHIT for the disc for the score but then he got called out so he had to do a little 1 2 for the actual score but tbh I think he was in
But SKILLLLLZZZZ amiright
If I missed anything its cuz im drunk…..
THAT ALL FOR THE CRUNCH WRAP (I changed it cuz im a taco bell menu item) FOR TONIGHT GET LIT LIKES ITS IR BDAY CUZ ITS MINE
Peace out hoez ^o^
I love her recaps. But come out of it not having any clue what the score was, who won, what the half time score was, whether or not they actually scored on that running power, and I needed my 28 year old fiancée to explain to me some of the shorthand.
Without even having those details, I’m still gonna post this anyway, because I’m leaving on a jet plane to DC in an hour and I still haven’t packed. Someone send me those deets on FB and I’ll update it later tonight when we’re in the hotel. After we yell at Trump for all the things.
Okay, fast forward several hours. I’m now in our nation’s capital. Erin wants to get some food built I’ve got recaps to add.
Here’s the much anticipated Klepto and Khumba recaps from Hermes:
So Julia and I were at Joxer’s postgame as per usual and we thought it would be a fun hehe time if we both tried to write like the other for the recap this week. This mess below is the result of that:
OKAY LISTEN UP FUCKERS IM HERE IM ANGRY MY SODIUM LEVELS ARE OFF THE CHARTS AND I DO NOT BELIEVE IN PUNCTUATION OR CORRECTING TYPOS
The first issue I would liket to address: Andy doesn’t have a fun intro for my recaps. I write recaps basically everdy week and everty week he just goes “Here’s Klepto from Hermes”…LAME
Theres Crunchcap and Reedcap and now there will be KLEPKAP!$&@#$^*!!!!
Now about last night—I AM LIVID We lost 13-15 we are now 1-3 and I dont ever want to play another Summer Leagur game again.
Hmmm what happened last night it’s hard to remember with all this rage turning my vision bloodred.
A few things I liked first:
Now onwards to the game which I will describe in one long block paragraph:
So we finally had male subs and after Frankie led us in a cheer that he wrote in honor of Hermes, we were ready to rumble. Viv (nickname still tbd) was balling out, so many insane grabs. Sober is #1, Spencer and Matt added some strong lively #yung cutting to our offense, Jfang was solid in backfield and is making me said he will be gone next couple weeks, Max continues to be the fastest person on the field, Birthdayboy Austin looked great in his spirit wings, there should be a team called “Frankie” because he is a handling GOD. Chronos had some ballers too. I try really hard not to give Tatty any compliments in fear of her head becoming so big that she won’t be able to fit through doorways, but I gotta be honest, girl killed it last night. She’s a really talented player and I wish her lots of luck and lug at U23 this weekend. Jfang took one look at Dan on the line and knew he was a handler with big throws, “he’s got that sneaky squirrelly look.” Ladies were werking, didn’t know who Claire Ropke was but after being broken several times around I now know her very well. Steve Wick’s throws were on point and Robin Sargan was killing us in the deep space. One particular huck to Robin is memorable—I saw the huck go off and I refused to let Robin get another uncontested huck so I took off running after him. I almost got the D, but instead got tangled up with Robin and we went tumbling into the endzone. It’s 2017, women can also make dangerous plays against men too! But I apologized to Robin in the bar over a beer and all is good. Basically, the game was hard fought and intense, but also spirited.There was only one minor discrepancy which happened because of a disagreement with tthe rules on the running power. Dan and Darren both acted like 14 year old girls and not the 30 year old men that they are…lug.
SAVAGE TUFF LUG PSA to my Herms: if any of you makes a turnover within 15 yds of our endzone ever again I will literally kill you. Like actual murder.
This week’s HEADLINE: Steve Wick Nearly Kills Matt Burke’s Backpack
So Steve Wick was trying to be impressive and athletic and prove that people from Wisconsin are cool (FYI they are not, MINNESOTA RULES) and he laid out into the sidelines and absolutely WRECKED Matt’s backpack. There was a moment where everyone was horrified and thought the backpack was a person and then people realized it was a backpack and were like fine.
Okay here are my thoughts on this. First off—will the backpacks quality of life ever be the same? I spoke to the backpack after the game and it did not seem good, the backpack did not respond to a single one of my questions. Probably in shock. I’ll be asking Andy to launch a full fledged investigation Id really like Steve Wick sent baeck to the Midweest as punishmentr so stay tuned for updates.
After the game ended tragically Julia and I still wanted to be fun girls so we played a spirit game that we brilliantly came up with. Hermes delivers messages between the immortal and mortal world and I figured hey the guy must have pretty soft hands for that! So to the test the touch of our opponents we filled two discs to the brim with delicious Miller Lite and had 2 pairs race each other 15 yds to the finish line. Robin and Mia V.S. Viv and Austin. Robin “accidentally” bumped into Viv and she spilled a good portion of her disc. It’s fine though, there are no losers, both pairs had to chug their discs and take Jim beam shots.
Awesome bar turnout. Both Mia and Austin had birthdays, Austin turned 25 (believable) and Mia turned 19 (less believable). My skepticism about Mia’s age was heightened when I saw Tat bring her a Shirley Temple—WHO ABOVE THE AGE OF 12 DRINKS SHIRLEY TEMPLES. Don’t worry cocaptain lug Julia remedied this situation by buying Mia a Long Island Iced Tea. (“Just drink it, Mia! It’s like a Vodka Lemonade!) Um no, a Vodka Lemonade is a Vodka Lemonade, a Long Island Iced Tea is liquid death.
Shoutout to Garrett Yung for showing up to just drink and heckle. Also Sober’s girlfriend Ashley who is the dopest came again and we learned some interesting things about their relationship. Apparently they met on a party bus, the first pic Sober has of Ashley is of her asleep on a barstool. Couple goals.
Minor losing streak going for Hermes now but I’m optimistic. Losses have been close, the season is early, and I like my teammates on and off the field<3
Wow this was exhausting to write, props to Julia for doing this every week. I don’t think I did her savage reports justice. I’ll give it back to her next week.
(Also if you read this recap you have caught The Klep! The Klep is an STD (Sexually Transmitted Discease) and requires medical attention.
today we are going to switch it up a bit. i ma the good cop. klepto is the bad cop. i decided though early on i couldnt try to write like klepto shes a real poet and also uses thiings like capitialization and knows how to spell without f7 spell check… that would be asking too much. BUT i wont have a headline and i will be nice
first let me say a couple things about bad cop though. bad cop is really just an investigative journalist. some people, lets refer to them as the people who should not be named, had issues with things that have been reviously written. bbut heres the thing. my mother elise harris always said, julia…never do anything you wouldnt want published on the front page of the newspaper – now i took that with a grain of salt for a longg time (trust me i have done and still do many things that really no one shold know about…), because who reads the newspaper! but in actuality, it is a very importtant thing. people can be mad about what i write on these things, but heres the thing… YOU DID THEM, and if you think i reported the truth falsely, well THATS HOW YOUR ACTIONS WERE INTERPRETED, so like cant help you, do less controversial things next time and to be honest, most of the feedback i have gotten has been good, and that i ambeing more fair and objective. i state what happens then i offer my thoghts as a journalist. ALSO for all you bitches out there – this is an opinion column! if you dont like my opinion, then stop fucking reading it, my photos at the beginning and my name is on it. if you dont like author blah blah in the new york times, do you email the times and complain? probably. do they care? no.
anyway, time for good cop. not sure if this will end up “good cop” or me just not beign as savage as normal i will try to use good adjetcives
last evening was a lovely evening at rancho cienega. there was dew on the turf. the sun was setting. we had as much of our team as we have ever had before. we were in fact joined by two people who you may have seen mentioned in recaps prior, both Matt Burke and Spencer Goldman graced us with their presence last night. let me first tell you the saga of matt burke. homie is coming home from korea right. his original flight is supposed to land at LAX at 8:45. i hop on that shit weeks ago, begging matt to change his flight, i bring jean into the conversation, we start a groupmessage. eventually we learn that there is an earlier flight he could take but american airlines wont let him… the quest for summer league begins (there was even a private snapchat story created with this title) long story short, matt makes it through customs in dallas in time to make this flight, gets the LAST standby ticket, and lands in LAX at 7 PM, immediate uber to the fieilds, 745 hes cleated and ready to go. how fucking awesome is that. in that vein, justin fang is leaving for europe….he was supposed to leave thursday afternoon, he changed his flight to friday! everyone is a lug
okay, so we have a full lineup…because when it was time to start chronos had literally fucking 4 dudes and dot wasnt there, we couldnt start for a while… was that too mean for good cop? anyway, dot strolls in late and whatever and that puts frankie on time, so anyway, at some point we were tired of “warming up” and just wanted to play. finally chronos got their shit together and we started. i dont really remember things that happenned during the actual game, BUT i ilearned afterwards that eric siegel is my #1 fan, and then classic tat forgot to introduce us so we could tak e aselfie. how fucking rude. anyway, eric – whaddup i friended you on facebook, but you were good at frisbee hopefully we play yall at the tournament and i can actually meet you!
okay frisbee… umm we used the stall power and it sucked… there was a discrepancy on the score…mainly that no one was keeping track of it, then colin the one and only league director and injured chronos dude showed up and was like yo get your shit together everyone, and we were forced to figure it out….except it still was not settled but yolo, we took half but idk the score, lets see…. i dont really remember what happened at all.
dot threw some hucks, i tried to copy him and throw some of my own, KLEPTO HAD A SICK AS FUCK FLICK HUCK, frankie continued to throw me open in the deep space, ourr new attendees did young fast person things, sober finally got a breather and his lovely girlfirend ashley WON THE BAR OVER HIM. literally. she was there until the very end almost. honestly everyone played very well last night. i am good cop and cant say what didnt go well. good job to chronos . oh also viv was wearing a glove and literally caught everything on the field. literally everything, it was sick money. also omg. you know whose fucking good. steve fucking wick. like homie a) looks cool in his hat b) has a cool ass name c) is pretty friendly and d) is good at frisbee though i disagree with crunch… even though he and @walle are both single, he isntt asian enough for @walle – single asian men wanted! for walle. was that not good cop either? not sure… oh this dude robin on their team who tbh at one point i almost could have crushed his head was a siiiickkkkk deep cutter. i was sad korb wasnt there because i love korb and we could have hung out.
my good friend and former roomate pez came to watch and sat with furious fei my former summer league captain of two years – fei had some pretty good pad thai. and both came to the bar. ooooooohhh also there was a hellions dance party at the fields to shake it. a sight for all of you to see.
we all went to joxers after… iw as superrr sad to learn karaoke was only wednesdays. but lets see almost all of hermes turned out at the bar, less of chronos but sitll a ton. there was pool there was food there was dranks there was fun convos it was awesome. classic a contingent of hte hellions/lockdown so USC (me klepto matt burke and dot) won the bar – my new friend robin was a shorrt second place – lets see i also made friends with ashley sobers girlfriend… castro on chronos – and then i hung out with all the homies, i had to buy matt a beer for coming to play… oh so two things happened in the HERMEs groupme before the game. one… no one on our team owns green. two, i made a savage agressive poll to smallfang because he chose going to a khalid concert instead of summer league, and three (oh i guess three things) viv goes “you two better live up to your hype” to matt bure and spencer. viv is a gem.
anyway, i left my keys in walles car and she drove back to irvine after the bar so matt burke and i spent a good while sitting in my stairwell contemplating what to do before my roommate texted us back and let us in. then this morning we got burritoes and matt scaled the wall of my building to let us in…. see my snapchat story for that one. alright well this rreally deviated from anything good cop related… my writing style from jean is just way too hella different. justins off to europe, we may never see small fang again though i will harass him, and im off to solstice. catch ya later on tuesdsay for more from hermes.
OMG i forgot to write about our spirit game. so klepto and i came up with this spirit game,a nd chronos was the test team.. it needs work. but we picked two spirit winners, and they picked two spiriti winners, and it was robin and crunch v vivian and austin – TWO BIRTHDAY peolpe. robin booty bumped our team and so they spilled half their disc of beer, idk what else the game entails but at the end both teams end up chugging beer then we had two birthday shots for crunch and for austin. CHEERS MOTHERFUCKERS>
see attached video. HERE VIA GOOGLEDRIVE (https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B1ZQNcmqmS_FN1F6Tl9fT1JKRDA)
|June 23, 2017||12:00 am||Summer League||2017|
|Rancho Cienega Recreation Center|