I’ve got a lot to get to before I leave for Europe tomorrow, so my precap is short. Christi Betz will be taking over the recaps, so send them to her for the next week, or you can still send them to me and I’ll forward them to her.
But we’ve got two recaps from Monday’s game so let’s get right to it:
First up is Stephanie Hicks-Mormont:
Good to be back. I’ve been gone for awhile from the recap scene because I have a paying writing job. Yay. But I’ve missed everyone. And I’m happy to announce that tonight will be a very special recap where I’m simultaneously 1) drinking wine, 2) watching the Bachelor and 3) writing this. I’m calling it the Summer of Bachelorette Thrones Recap.
Andy said he’d give me bonus PINTS for doing this. GAME ON.
Let’s get started with a run down of the contestants for the Iron Thrones of Hannah’s Heart. For those that may be confused, the Bachelorette, Hannah = Iron Throne = Winner of Summer League which I predict will end much like Games of Thrones did, with Hannah in a molten puddle regretting all her life choices thus far.
As I will probably regret this bottle of wine I’m consuming.
As my body regrets running on the turf at Van Nuys two weeks in a row.
OK! You ready!?!?!
I’m going to catch you up with a rundown of Teams/Houses/Bachelorette contestants so we’re all on the same page.
I am a captain of House Mormont. We are the House of these badass characters who DIE HEROICALLY in the battle against the Night King.
In Bachelorette world, I equate House Mormont to Mike Johnson. He’s not gonna win, but when he’s on screen, DAMN if he ain’t your favorite. And he will go down heroically trying to protect Hannah. He has the biggest smile, and is the MOST fun, all things Mormont aspires to.
Henceforth we will be known as MORMONT MIKE. Or MM.
Tonight we’re playing House Tully, who’s the House of Catherine Stark, really their crowning glory — who unfortunately is dead. They are best remembered for her brother getting put in his place by Catherine’s daughter Sansa Stark.
In Bachelorette world, House Tully is definitely GARRETT – a pro golfer who is pretty boring, but when he did speak up last week, it was to pick a fight with Luke, and Hannah LOST HER SHIT. Like Sansa shut down her uncle. She was like – WHY ISN’T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME. It was great. Garrett is … just… fine? Captain of Tully, Buster, said that admittedly Tully was a really boring house and impossible to come up with cheers for. Nothing rhymes with Tully except Gully, Pully, and Bully – you try cheering that without sounding mean…
Garrett the Tully:
Henceforth House Garrett Tully shall be known as TULGAR or TG.
LET THE BACHELORETTE GAME OF THRONES RECAP BEGIN!!! (I’m now 2 glasses of wine in…shit…)
PREVIOUSLY ON: Hannah loses her shit with the guys and we get possibly the stupidest filler episode in Bachelor history as they made it a clip show because she keeps villain Luke P. who is controlling, abusive and toxic all while using Christian-ese-speak to gaslight Hannah.
Luke P is definitely House Lannister. He gives appearance of being good and maybe having a redemption arc, but ultimately he’s an asshole who just wants to fuck his sister. RUN FROM HIM HANNAH.
Ironically we played House Lannister last week. And like last week’s Bachelorette, it was our worst episode of the season. Henceforth we will call House Lannister, LANNISTER LUKE or LL.
Tonight, the Bachelorette Game of Thrones is in Riga, Latvia – which obviously offered big incentives to the Bachelor to film there in an attempt to draw more American tourists. It’s like, a lesser Prague, kinda like the Van Nuys/Sherman Oaks fields are a lesser Balboa.
Hannah starts by saying how she wants to reset from a really hard week last week, and she wants to “turn things around” and “get a fresh start”. This is the exact speech I give Mormont Mike before our game. And I introduce Bearmont to pump us up!!!
Say hi to Bearmont!
He will go to the person who displays the 4 pillars of the house of Mormont Mike, which Chris espoused in an awesome email to the team… which I can’t recall and am not gonna go look up cause it’s more fun to watch 9 hot guys on screen do stupid shit the producers tell them to.
Mormont Mike Johnson gives a speech to screen saying that “you might just leave Latvia if you don’t step up to the plate” — which we did — and got a break to score the first point! I think Toph or Dan hucked it to Francis. Woohoo! Go Mormont Mike!
But then TulGar gets the first date card and they reveal that he’s NAKED BUNGEE JUMPING WITH HANNAH. These are two things I truly don’t believe ANYONE ENJOYS — cold flaccid dick pressed against you, and falling from heights in the snow. This is a bad decision for a date — not unlike my TERRIBLE decisions on the field, including where I went to throw an inside out throw that basically went right into Armand’s hands instead of Toph’s. They were both on my team last year, but only Toph is this year. Whoops. Toph looked like he was gonna kill me. Like Hannah looks at the producers when she sees that these bungee jumpers are “butt ass naked.” There’s a full on naked couple talking to Hannah and Garrett telling them this is a Latvian tradition. Amazing the bullshit they’re selling her. It’s snowing and they’re in robes. SHE IS SO MISERABLE. THIS IS AMAZINGLY HORRIBLE…
This half of the Bachelorette is all Tulgar. They go up 5-2. MM had a lot of drops. And TG capitalized on our mistakes. I think they took half 8-4.
OMG Tulgar kisses A NAKED Hannah before he jumps. I wonder if he got a semi… haha… WOW – they just did a close-up of TG’s bacne! WHY? I’m not judging his bacne, it happens, just the close up. WHY ABC? WHY? Also Hannah wears dangling earrings during this jump. TAKE YOUR EARRINGS OUT TO BUNGEE JUMP HANNAH. This is the worst. Also the worst, she refers to a penis as a “ding dong.” And then TG talks about how he’s proud at how Hannah was “vulnerable” and they could trust each other now. TG also says how’s he’s “not gonna back down anytime soon.”
Looks like Mormont Mike has a lot to contend with tonight.
But then date cards come out after halftime and Mike’s name is called — WE’RE UP.
Mormont Mike comes out on fire for the group date and is the first to pick-up and swing-hug Hannah while they tour a farmer’s market. This is the portion of the evening where Mormont Mike ALMOST catches up. We bring it to 8-7, but then starts to fumble the disc a bit — like when the Bachelorette guys try folk dancing in a Latvian square on this group date. WHY? Just watch and clap like polite tourist robots.
In general at Van Nuys a lot of MM pancaking happened that didn’t happen the first week. Literally the disc was IN our hands and then was fumbled. This was not helped by my terrible decision making, like putting myself in an all-ladies cup. Each points was hard and long fought, like this episode of the Bachelorette once Lannister Luke discovers that Hannah bungee jumped with another man NAKED. LL goes Crazy Conservative Christian on Hannah. UGGGGGG. Basically it’s fighting from here on out until the lights went out at 10pm. TG won 13-9. Or 13-11? I have no idea.Chris and I are notoriously bad at keeping score. We LITERALLY never pay attention. The first week there was a long email chain and full recaps written with no score attributed. Also he’s in NY this week so he’s even LESS helpful than usual. But TG was on top of it and I’m sure Buster can tell you the right score.
I’m so over this Lannister Luke drama. I’m not even watching unless Tyler is onscreen. Also the wine is running out…I’ll wrap this up.
Highlights of the Game:
— TulGar’s Hoover was hoovering all night and Sparta got the Bearmont Bear for 1) guarding her all night and holding her to only like 2-3 scores? 2) always give me face glitter, and 3) generally lifting everyone’s spirits when we were exhausted cause we had low numbers.
Thanks Sparta! This should be my recap photo…
— Chain had an awesome bookend point where he D’d it and then ran down for a grab and then threw the score to Truman. Here’s Chain with Bearmont.
— After a few bobbles shaking her confidence, Liz STREAKED down the field for a sticky-handed score that had us all chanting her name! LIZ LIZ LIZ. Then, this morning she came up with the best cheer after we discovered that in fact Mer IS in town for next week’s game. Our usually cheer is More-Fun, More-Run, Mor-Mont. Which for next week will be…. Mor-Mer, Mor-Mer, Mor-Mont!!!
— Truman pumping us all up and playing savage all night. Sadly he’s too young to go to the bar. But Robin Hood doesn’t card at the door, so I will make him come out next week because we have a game right before a holiday, so no excuses. You are ALL required at the bar. And significant others. It will be a party. Everyone should come out for the worst British food and service in LA in honor of our Independence from those fuckers I say let’s stick it to ‘em. Robin Hood will be SO annoyed. I can’t wait. What could be more American than annoying the British?
— Since no good cheer could be made of Tully we did a spirit circle and gave them our cheer: More-fun, More-lights, Mor-Tully. I’m not sure this is actually a “highlight.” But for better or worse, it happened. Thank god Chris is back next week. I should not be in charge of cheers.
— TYLER = House Stark. He gets the group date rose. He’s the best and Hannah is super into him… sexually at least. And WHO can blame her? That man is FINE… She straddles him and goes for the full on make-out. You go girl. I love everything about House Tyler Stark. (Also in my take on the GOT world, Jon Snow is 100% a Stark and 0% Targaryen. Nurture over Nature, Tyler is my Jon Snow all day baby.)
— DUSTIN = House Tarth. Like Brienne, Dustin gets NOT ENOUGH screen time, but when he does, he proves how awesome he is. He’s too good for the show. God bless you Dustin. Go forth. Be amazing. Don’t look back. Jamie who?
— House Targaryen = JED – You’re rooting for him, think he’s a safe choice to rule the land. Dragons are the shit (Jed’s songs are not, but FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON Hannah’s wowed by them like Westeros is wowed by dragons). Jed appears to be honest and own his faults. He admits to Hannah that he came on the show to focus on his music, kinda like Daenerys admits she comes from a crazy family, but ultimately she’s CRAY. Just like Jed FULLY has a GF back home. HE WROTE THOSE 10 SONGS HE JUST SANG FOR ANOTHER GIRL!!! RUN HANNAH. RUN. I’d be fully on board for an episode where Tyler Stark murders Jed Targaryan. YES.
— Lannister Luke shaming Hannah for going naked bungee jumping. Shut up. Go home already. Don’t come back. Go enjoy your incest Luke Lannister and leave us alone.
— House Baratheon = PETER. He seems like he’s brought stability to the kingdom. But he’s actually terrible when he’s in “charge”. For example, whenever Peter tries to make out with Hannah, it’s like a hot mess of bumping heads on a pool table and like, “should my leg go here…” Just STOP. But it’s OK, Hannah’s into other men like Cersei is cheating on Robert with Jamie – in this case being Luke Lannister. But then, Peter’s a pilot who, like Robert Baratheon has “bastards” littering the countryside. I’m so over his date with Hannah. He just busted out some Spanish to impress her. UGG. I wonder how long he’s been practicing that speech. I just can’t…
The best part of the episode is the little after the credits snippet where Tyler Stark is dancing and Mormont Mike is like “you’re catching the spirit” and it’s amazing. Just like the best part of last night was the bar:
HERE’S WHAT STEPHANIE LEARNED AT THE BAR:
— Sonja is fully committed to winning the bar. As many shots as it takes: “It doesn’t have to be a lemon drop, it can be a blowjob to win the bar.” Oh yes, it can be a blowjob to win the bar…
— Chrisi Betz in fact says “fucking slut” instead of a more traditional, “oh shit” when she misses a disc. I had no idea and I’ve played on many a team for a long time and guarded her. Which is probably good. Cause no one would like her if they thought she was calling them that. Also to be clear. She doesn’t say the “c” word. Just “fucking slut”. Not “fucking c-word.” Yes. There’s a difference. And the answer to your question, men, NO, you should not say the “c” word. Especially when referring to women.
— Without looking at the interwebs, do you know what the following are? FUNICULAR. PENNY-FARTHING. BONESHAKER. I didn’t. But I do now. (Andy, I think this should be a poll).
— Mer’s glitter and Toph’s one-eyed annoyed look at me in this video are priceless.
The look captures the essence of Toph’s regret at agreeing to our carpool. Probably because I insist on making him go to the bar and socialize. Mostly I do this because I know he hates it. BUT, the world is a better place with a little more Toph in it. Even if he doesn’t think so! More-Mer, More-Toph, More-Mont..
…why is all the wine gone…?
Haha. Wow. This is hysterical, and it’s also funny cause I can totally hear Stephanie as she writes this.
I did offer bonus pints, yes. But I meant to write bonus points, and that’s very different. But this is very worthy of bonus pints!
This is probably the first ever recap that my wife will appreciate more than I do. And also understand more. (Although I also needed her for the Crunchcaps sometimes.)
There’s a guy on the Bachelor who wants to fuck his sister? He said that? I’m sure you were exaggerating, but were you?
The only thing from the episode you described that I saw was the naked bungee jumping, and that’s only because Erin screamed that I had to see it, and she’s like “they say this is a thing that everyone’s doing now” followed by “I don’t want to do this.”
Bearmont may rival Frostyboy for best team mascot. I’ll give Bearmont a close second.
“Just watch and clap like polite tourist robots.” LOL
Mor-MER Mor-Toph Mor-Mont is a sold cheer.
I knew what a Funicular was cause we went on one in Italy. It sounds like it should be a portmanteau (another great word) meaning a fun version of binoculars. Although that would probably be funocular. Either way the thing wasn’t very fun. Get me ten words and I’ll put out a poll.
Sonja will do what now?
And I know it’s tough to follow that, but we do have another recap. Here’s Buster Tully:
Going into Monday night’s game, House Tully knew 2 things: the condition of the battle field was hard and slippery, and that our House, especially in the show, is quite, well…plain. We are the white bread of Game of Thrones. Now that we have come to that realization, we are very much embracing it! We may be plain, but don’t underestimate us! Or do, we will be fine with that too!
House Tully and House Mormont don’t have any bad blood between them. So we thought we would just have a friendly spar with them to help both Houses keep up our fighting abilities. In true Mormont form, being a small house located on the small Bear Island, they were only able to bring a small amount of soldiers to our sparring event. Before we began, The leader of House Mormont, Lady Stephanie, discussed with Lord Jackson and I about making this a fun match and we wanted to focus on our newer players getting quite a bit of touches for both houses!
Since both houses had been on this battle field before, we both had some interesting ways of dealing with the slipperiness of the field. Some of us wore running shoes, while some of us forgot and only brought cleats. However, it was Dan of House Mormont that took the prize for how to deal with the field, hiking boots. Genius? maybe. Idiotic? maybe. Did it work? YES, and that is all that matters!
The sparring battle started out pretty evenly. we traded the first 2 points, and eventually, House Tully pulled ahead and took half at 8-5. both houses came into the second half trying to show off their zone defense. House Mormont must have had a great pep talk from Lady Stephanie because they came out of half by scoring 2 of the first 3 points. It was 9-7, and House Mormont, throwing their zone, caused many turns! This was a crucial point for House Tully. We needed this point. After several turns on both sides, House Tully pulled it together and slowly but surely worked up the battle field and into the endzone. 10-7. The sparring match ended when the lights went out at 13-9.
Shout out to all of House Mormont who were great sparring partners! They had great spirit both on and off the field. Lord Jackson could not get over them cheering “Mormont! more fun!” It frustrated him because it was such a great cheer and we didn’t have a cheer like that! Other shout outs include: Lady Jackie of House Tully for coming out to her first battle after our great Lady Creamer is out due to injury for the rest of the battle season, and she scored a few of our points. Ben (Chain) of House Mormont who caught ALL of everything thrown to him no matter how ridiculous it was. Dan of House Mormont for his hucking game.
Until the next battle, Family, Duty, Honor!
Hiking boots? Why is there no photo of this?
Don’t worry, sometimes the boring ones turn out to be the best. Like Sadness from Inside Out? Right? She turned out to be the most important character. That’s some inspiration right there.
Damnit, now I’m thinking about Bing Bong. I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying.
I haven’t put it up on the rosters yet, but yes, Jackie Severson is a temporary replacement for Creamer on Tully. I’ll get to that when I get back from my trip.
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