Hello! Are y’all still out there? Is this thing still on?
I think we all know it’s been a little while since the last recaps went out to wrap up Winter League 2020. At this point, Summer League would have already come and gone. This was going to be the first Summer League with out our fearless leader, Andy Bandit, at the helm, and with his Winter League team, Marshall, retiring after their 20th season, I kinda feel like he did the most epic mic drop ever. If he’s not playing, nobody is.
Alas, we’re at the 6 month mark of quarantine, and we have some new signs of life! World Famous (maybe) recapper, Maria Duke is back with some hot takes to help you pass the time.
Coming at you from the most powerful city in the free world, It’s ya girl, Maria Constance “Sassy No Pants” “So Good” Duke! Well, dear reader, it’s been awhile since my last recap – which I just found out was the last recap of 2020. In the meantime, several notable events have happened:
1) David Reed is now an uncle
2) Mr. Brock (temporarily) moved to Florida
3) I’ve traveled back east to see my family (DC brands itself as the most powerful city in the free world on all of our radio stations, so that was the reference).
I’m writing to you from the AirBnB that I’m hunkering down in until I get my negative Covid test, which also happens to be down the street from Comet Ping Pong of pizzagate fame. Fun! 1 week back in DC and I’m already getting political!
Since nobody asked, here is my definitive ranking of all the US states (from best to worst).
2. California (this is pandering)
3. New Orleans
5-48. all the other states (Including the rest of Louisiana)
DC is not a state (learn more about that here) and thusly I was shut out of American democracy while living here in my early twenties. LUCKILY I am now comfortably in my mid-twenties and will be back in CA before Nov. 3rd. Unluckily, 705,749 US citizens will be stuck here, paying taxes without even the comfort of a Representative or a Senator to advocate for them. Montana (if you’re wondering) has just over 1 million people, 2 senators, and 1 Congressperson in the House of Representatives).
But enough stalling – you’ve all come here for a recap. Unfortunately, I haven’t played a frisbee game since Mr. Brock led us to a last place finish in the Winter League finals, but I do have footage of the single game of frisbee that I’ve played that has been filmed. A note: it is entirely possible that one of my college frisbee games was filmed, but I played on a diii college team in MD that left little to no impact on the sport, and besides our name was the St. Mary’s Ultimate Team aka SMUT, and I’m not spending my one wild and precious life searching “Women’s SMUT 2016” on youtube.
Instead, I’ll be dissecting the women’s 7th place final in the 2019 Southwest Regionals in which Viva (my team) battled it out with Venom (an Arizona team). As per tradition, I will be making topical pop culture references in my recap, but since this was entirely my idea, and there’s no set theme for the game, I’ve decided to eschew the classics (GOT, Pokemon, and to a lesser extent, the 90s kid cartoon, Doug) for one of my favorite tv series: Below Deck, which I just started watching this year and am very fond of. For those of you who haven’t yet chanced upon this glorious program, it’s essentially Downtown Abbey, but instead of a manor, it’s a yacht, and instead of rich English people and their servants, it’s rich American people and “yachties” from all over the world who work incredibly hard, in incredibly close quarters, to make the guests happy and thus get a big tip at the end of their guests’ vacations. They are also all incredibly hot and young and make out with each other sometimes. In a COMPLETELY unrelated note, I’m currently casting a reality tv series about yachties, and we’re looking for people who want to get into the yachting industry (flyer attached). Bonus points if you’re a hot, straight-ish, single male, extra bonus points if you’ve set foot on a boat before. Now onto the ‘cap.
Normally after playing a frisbee game, I black out quicker than Kat Held between charters, so it was quite an experience watching an actual video of me playing frisbee: https://youtu.be/yjDw9cv0wMQ. In my defense, all I can say is that I was trying my best, and I am now infinitely better at frisbee, despite not playing for the past 6 months. My hair was also blonder than every single 3rd stew’s on every season of Below Deck, and now that my quarantine roots are growing out, I miss it. Sidenote: I was once accused at Joxer’s post-league game of being a liar because apparently the kind folks at Aveda Institute of Los Angeles do such a good job on my hair that they thought I was a natural blonde and were shocked when I revealed, that in fact, my natural hair color is brown. If someone is 26, has blonde hair and incredibly dark brown eyebrows and you think that their hair color is natural, they’re not a liar, you’re a fucking moron.
The game starts with a Callahan, which I had completely forgotten about and was pretty it was pretty demoralizing to watch. Almost as demoralizing as when that one guest wanted a foam party onboard but the wind was blowing at 24 knots and so it blew all the foam off the boat and Amy (bless her heart) just kept shouting “Foam Party 2k15!” and the guest was so sloppy drunk he kept drinking his bottle of champagne and then spitting it into the foam (watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slcjQlfiVZY). I blame Rho for each and every point that we don’t score. She didn’t do anything the entire game and it shows. She was almost as useless as Andrew in Season 2 of Below Deck!
Some other highlights:
12:39 – I turn the disc faster than the crew has to turnover the cabins between charters!
13:51 – Bubbles saves the day and scores anyways!
43:40 – I finally decide to make my first deep cut of the game and I manage to catch the disc! It’s a triumph the likes of which we haven’t seen since Kate somehow managed to not get fired after making a blanket into the shape of a penis on the primary charter guest’s bed.
And that’s it! I know what you’re thinking: 6+ paragraphs of absolute bullshit and only 3 frisbee-related notes? That’s is a bigger letdown than when Jack and Aesha were in love and then it turned out he actually had a girlfriend back home and now he has a newborn baby with a (new?) girlfriend and I’m actually really happy for him and think he’s probably a great dad.
Was this fun? Do you all want more recaps? Does everyone just really miss frisbee and Joxer’s? If I was to do another recap – which game should I ‘cap? Or should I just drop the frisbee pretense and recap whatever the fuck I want to?
And there you have it. The first official quarantinecap. Congrats to Reed on the new Uncle title! Good luck to DC on the Statehood movement! And thanks to Maria for carrying the recap torch through a pandemic! Here’s the Yachties recruitment flyer:
And in case you’re still reading this and have no idea what Pizzagate is, you can read up on it here.
Stay tuned for more quarantinecaps (maybe) and LAOUT board election updates coming soon!